EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: CatFood (The Band)

The following is a transcription of an audio cassette which was found inside of a rusted metal tin can.  The writing on it simply said “CatFood”.  I was unable to hear the interviewers name, so we will just call him “Phil”.

Phil: How would you describe your live show?
   Chris: I try not to describe it at all.
   Landon: Really awkward and loud.
   Ben: It falls somewhere between watching someone jumping off of a bridge and a water skiing squirrel. Horrifying, yet you can’t look away while at the same time being ridiculous and utterly pointless.

Phil: Do you have any crazy road stories?
   Ben: One time in Ashern we ate lunch at the Chicken Chef and then watched a mid-day movie marathon of Rocky I to Rocky V. It was a pretty wild afternoon. Once in Brandon some guy named Kyle started touching my face and then he got unreasonably mad when I told him to stop doing that. Hi Kyle!
   Chris:  (laughs)
   Landon: (laughs)

Phil: What advice would you have for somebody young wanting to start a band?
   Chris: You can be terrible as you want to be.  Remember that.
   Landon: Think up a dope band name like Cat Food but totally different.
   Ben: Stop trying to horn in on our racket! We’re at like a C+ rating, we don’t need no 13 year old virtuosos to come and show us up. Take pity on us!

Phil: What’s one thing that the fans don’t know about the boys of CatFood?
   Landon: We aren’t cats.
   Chris: We aren’t boys.
   Ben: One of us possesses the sacred amulet of K’raal’nith’uoq AND WILL LEAD THE ARMY OF UNDEAD TO BEGIN THE UNDOING OF ALL THINGS! Also, Chris can juggle.

Phil: Does it bother you that people are confusing you for the Food, instead of the Band?
   Chris:  Wait… There’s also a CatFood (The Food)?!?!?  Oh right.  The Food, for Cats.
   Landon: That’s why we picked the name, we hope some grocery stores pick us up for some gigs.
   Ben: Does it bother Seal (the recording artist/stud) to be confused with a seal (the animal) when his voice is so goddamn silky smooth you could put kittens to bed in it?

Phil: Are you guys fucking serious?
   Ben: Sort of? Not really? Maybe? I’m not if Landon’s not. 
   Landon: I’m not.

Phil: You’re on death row, what’s your last meal?
   Ben: Is immortality juice a thing? If not, maybe a cheeseburger.
   Landon: Maybe a little saucer of milk. 
   Chris: Lasagna.

Phil: Do you have any final words?
   Chris: (shakes head) Nope.  Whoops, I guess that is a word.  Uh oh.  These are all words.  Now I’ve said a lot of words.  MAKE IT STOP!
   Ben: Spork. Jiggle. Grungo. Wiffle. Corking. Halibut. Chimichanga. That should do it.
   Landon: Bye-Bye